Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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