I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
