I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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