Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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