dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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