I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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