I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
