did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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