In the future we'll all be gay
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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