At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
