You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
