totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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