This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
