My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i love accidental penises.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
