I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
