My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Send help, water and tortillas.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
