Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
