so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
