u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
