now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
