I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
