I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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