i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
