So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
