yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I accidentally had phone sex last night
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
