Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
