He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
