saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
