it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
