Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
