I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
