we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
