i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
third nipple confirmed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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