Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My balls are so social today.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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