I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
