u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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