He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
