some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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