We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
