When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
