I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I fill condoms, not promises.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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