i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
