This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
