listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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