just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
either way he was missing a nipple.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
