Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
