When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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