Pregnant stripper...not hot.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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