I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
