it hurts more in the daytime
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
