I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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