There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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