you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
