Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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