it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
