Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize